Just a Little Number

I wish I could say say that the news I want to share is more promising, but the fact of the matter is that the blood test was inconclusive.  My hCG level came back at 17mIU/mL.  This is still within the normal range for women up to five weeks pregnant, but it is on the very low side. 

My research into this test came up with the statement that "a normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby" (www.AmericanPregnancy.org).  In general, the level of this hormone is supposed to double every 72 hours or so.  My doctor wants me to have the test again on Tuesday (of course Monday is a holiday!) to see if the value has gone up (a good sign for pregnancy) or down (a sign of possible miscarriage).  Anything above 25mIU/mL is considered positive for pregnancy.  An hCG level calculator I found online (http://www.babymed.com/hcg-level-in-early-pregnancy) shows that I would want to see the second level at or above 72mIU/mL for normal increasing rates.

I guess with my suspicion that conception was May 12th, it is definitely possible that I'm still only just over a week and a half pregnant.  It would make sense that the hCG level is low.  It might even make sense that I had a lot of bleeding, if it's from implantation of the fertilized egg or from uterine tissue that was already primed for a normal period.  It doesn't make it any less scary to think of it scientifically, as I am inclined to do based on my background.  I'm sure anyone with multiple days of excessive bleeding would be nervous.

I am fighting incorrect feelings of embarassment, shame, and incompetency.  My brain knows these feelings are not valid.  It's not my fault that I may be miscarrying; it's nothing that I did or didn't do.  My heart, on the other hand, is reliving the sadness and anxiousness almost hourly that we might lose this baby.  It's not helpful that my hormones are all out of whack and assisting my mood swings.

I have been doing a lot of praying, and leaning on Craig for support.  I know that God will guide us in whatever happens with this little one.  I have to force myself to relax, remain calm, and find peace.  It's so easy to say and so difficult to do.