Not This Time

I have been thinking about what I would write for this post.  Two days ago, we found out that my hCG level had dropped to below 2, which indicates I miscarried our little poppyseed.  I went through (and am still experiencing) sadness for the loss of this life that we would have gladly accepted into our family.  I take heart in knowing that Craig's Dad will be accepting this little one into his arms in heaven and that we'll get to hold him/her when we get there eventually, too.

I am sad, but I'm not disheartened.  I was doing some reading online and found a quote from ESTHERIRISH on www.laughwithusblog.com that spoke to me:  “God is good, and I may never understand, but He is in control, and He is going to work all of this out for my good and His purpose.”  We will embrace whatever is in His plan and keep moving forward.  My mantra going into this whole trying-to-conceive process was "whatever happens, happens."  It still is.

I can still hold other people's babies and enjoy the moments.  I can still rejoice in hearing the good news that my friends are expecting.  I can still go to baby showers and be excited for the mother-to-be.  God never gives me trials that I can't overcome; each one makes me stronger.  With His guidance, I will become the woman I'm supposed to be, whether that includes children or not.  Craig and I will still be great as Aunt & Uncle to all the children that need us in the meantime.  Hope still flourishes in our home.

I'll never forget you, little poppyseed.

Last Hurrah

Today I took another home pregnancy test.  It was negative.  So, here's what we're going to do:  Focus on all of the good things that happened with this pregnancy/possible miscarriage (since we won't know definitely till we get the blood test results on Wednesday, we'll just call it "possible").

Good thing #1:  Craig & I were both happy and excited when we found out we were pregnant.  This means that we're both on the same page, and we're both "ready" mentally to have a child.

Good thing #2:  We can get pregnant.  After 10 months off birth control, wondering if I was ovulating (with no success via at-home ovulation predictor kits), it's apparent that at some point there was an egg around and it was found successfully by a little swimmer courtesy of Craig.

Good thing #3:  We have more time to focus on what we would need to do to prepare the house and our finances for a child.  Top thing on the home-repair-to-do list for the fall:  refinish the second bedroom floors so we can bring in the furniture from my brother's old bedroom that my mother is giving us.  Second thing on the list:  finish the half bathroom so that if I have the pee-pee dance every 20 minutes like this time, I don't have to jog upstairs.  (If you're wondering why it's waiting till fall, it's because we have a plethora of outdoor things to do while the weather is good!)

Additionally, it seems like the bleeding has finally slowed down and perhaps even stopped.  Thank God, because it was getting a bit ridiculous!

I'll be continuing to pray for God to guide us in this journey.  He knows His plan for our family, and I'm sure it will be revealed to us in His time.  I will grieve for the loss of this little one, but I know there are others in heaven who have gone ahead to receive him or her into their arms.

Just a Little Number

I wish I could say say that the news I want to share is more promising, but the fact of the matter is that the blood test was inconclusive.  My hCG level came back at 17mIU/mL.  This is still within the normal range for women up to five weeks pregnant, but it is on the very low side. 

My research into this test came up with the statement that "a normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby" (www.AmericanPregnancy.org).  In general, the level of this hormone is supposed to double every 72 hours or so.  My doctor wants me to have the test again on Tuesday (of course Monday is a holiday!) to see if the value has gone up (a good sign for pregnancy) or down (a sign of possible miscarriage).  Anything above 25mIU/mL is considered positive for pregnancy.  An hCG level calculator I found online (http://www.babymed.com/hcg-level-in-early-pregnancy) shows that I would want to see the second level at or above 72mIU/mL for normal increasing rates.

I guess with my suspicion that conception was May 12th, it is definitely possible that I'm still only just over a week and a half pregnant.  It would make sense that the hCG level is low.  It might even make sense that I had a lot of bleeding, if it's from implantation of the fertilized egg or from uterine tissue that was already primed for a normal period.  It doesn't make it any less scary to think of it scientifically, as I am inclined to do based on my background.  I'm sure anyone with multiple days of excessive bleeding would be nervous.

I am fighting incorrect feelings of embarassment, shame, and incompetency.  My brain knows these feelings are not valid.  It's not my fault that I may be miscarrying; it's nothing that I did or didn't do.  My heart, on the other hand, is reliving the sadness and anxiousness almost hourly that we might lose this baby.  It's not helpful that my hormones are all out of whack and assisting my mood swings.

I have been doing a lot of praying, and leaning on Craig for support.  I know that God will guide us in whatever happens with this little one.  I have to force myself to relax, remain calm, and find peace.  It's so easy to say and so difficult to do.

My Little Poppyseed

After a crazy 32 hours of abnormal pregnancy symptoms, we're sitting tight, waiting to hear from the doctor about my hCG level from a blood sample taken yesterday.  I've never been so scared, upset, sad, or forlorn in my life.

It's frankly quite amazing that I can feel so tied to this little poppyseed inside me already.  It's barely developed, it hasn't moved in any way that I can feel it, and it doesn't yet have a heartbeat.  Yet it's already taken the form of my child to me.  It's become a life that I hope to bring into the world and raise to be a good, geniune person.

I've read a lot of information on the internet about the symptoms I'm experiencing, and it all boiled down to one thing:  Don't read medical information on the internet.  Between the anectdotal information and the half-facts given, it was really a ridiculous waste of my time and only served to make me more stressed and anxious.  That being said, what else was I to do when it was after the doctor office closed and I had nothing to do but guess what was going on inside of me until the next morning when I could call in?

Part of me, the extreme pessimist that I've tried to muffle for a few years now, is screaming that I will never get pregnant again and I can't do anything right.  The other part of me, the gentler hopeful optimist, is encouraging me to have faith and just wait to hear from the doctor before I think the worst.  The realist inside me is telling me that we can try again and again until everything works out.

In the end, I just have to wait and see.  And have patience, the virtue that has always been the most difficult for me. 

Spot Remover

Well, today was eventful.  I started seeing some spotting late morning, and it kind of freaked me out.  I was thinking implantation bleeding, since it's been about 8 days since I think conception occurred, which would make sense.  But boy (or girl!), is it tough to experience bleeding when you think you're pregnant!  After lots of online research, which really didn't give me many answers besides retest or call the Doc, I decided to purchase another home pregnancy test to "double-check."

 

Yes, both tests have lines.  I know, they are pretty faint...

As you can probably tell from the picture, I thought I'd grab two different kinds of tests.  I don't know what I was thinking, "triple-check" maybe?  Both tests are positive, though faintly.  (Don't worry, I researched that too - even a faint line is a positive result.  Non-pregnant women don't show any hCG line.)  Lucky for me, I purchased two multi-packs of these tests, so I can test another 3 times if I want to in the next few weeks. 

I guess one concern would be a chemical pregnancy, which does show up as a faint positive on these types of tests but apparently goes away within a week or so as a normal period.  It's a miscarriage at the earliest stage.  God willing, that's not what I'm experiencing, and we'll welcome Baby LaTour into the world in a short nine months.

What's up, Doc?

This morning I called my gyno and scheduled our first pre-natal exam for June 19th.  I am super excited!  More excited than a banana split from Gibby's on Sunderland Rd.  (I know, I, too, thought that was impossible!)  The receptionist at the office said, "Congratulations," as we finished scheduling the appointment, and I found tears in my eyes. 

First we'll have an ultrasound, then the appointment with the doctor.  I don't want to know the sex of the baby (thought Craig does - too bad!), so I have to remember to tell the ultrasound technician to tell me when it's ok to look at the monitor (since I can read ultrasounds!).  The sex of a baby is one of the few surprises in life anymore!  (The other is when you're going to die, but even that can be arranged...)  Mostly I can't wait to hear the heartbeat.

I've been having little 2-hour bouts of nausea the last two days.  I hope this is not a sign of things to come!  Everyone knows how much I hate for my meal times to be interrupted or delayed, haha!  I am, however, looking forward to bigger boobs.  Yep, definitely.  Probably Craig is, too, ha!

We're still debating on the best time to tell everyone the news.  I think I might want to wait for the first ultrasound picture in June, actually.  Maybe make some shirts that say "We're going to be new parents!" or something equally cute and corny.  A crafty pregnancy announcement idea.  Plus, a better idea of the estimated due date would be nice.

On a side note, while I was hanging laundry on our clothesline this past weekend, Craig announced, "You know, in only a handful of months, you'll be hanging little itty bitty clothes up there."  It made me smile.

The Stick

There really is a line on the left side.  I know it looks faint, but I swear, it's there!

I swore I would never take a picture of a stick I urinated on.  I thought it was really ridiculous of those other moms-to-be to share a picture of something covered in urine.  Yet another reason why you should "never say never." 

I put Craig on notice when I was three days late for my monthly friend.  The darn thing had been coming like clockwork, so I had an inkling that something was up.  It was five days late when I decided to utilize the lonely pregnancy test stick that's been sitting in a bathroom drawer for the last 10 months while we haphazardly tried to conceive.  It was 5:30am.  I couldn't sleep anymore (I'm not one who can stay in bed if I have to pee), so I got up and decided to just do it.  Well, what do you know?  Two lines!  Thank goodness First Response puts the key to the lines right on the stick because I was way too nervous to think. 

I didn't have typical signs of early pregnancy that I knew about, but apparently frequent urination is a sign of hCG production.  I thought I was just drinking more water than usual...

Anyway, I woke Craig up at 5:45am to tell him the good news.  He was excited also, though he did tell me he was too old for this, haha!  I couldn't stop smiling (and haven't yet), and I had such bottled up excited energy.  I ended up cleaning the heck out of the house, doing all the laundry (including washing curtains), and planting flowers all in the span of the morning!  We went to a family birthday party where I spent my newly found excited energy in the form of pushing the kids on the swing, running around, and jumping some rope.  Thank goodness by the time we got home in the evening, I was tired; otherwise, I might have started in on cleaning the basement or the closets!

The only bad part to the day?  Holding in the good news!  We decided to wait on telling our families and friends until I take another test next week (maybe Craig thinks I rigged the initial one?) and possibly until the first doctor appointment.  Either way, we're keeping it bottled up inside until it's been a little while. 

As for a due date, I'm not quite sure.  It's possible that our little angel was conceived on Mother's Day 05/12/13 (which would be a really sweet story), or 04/28 or 05/01.  All of the online due date calculators say that we should expect our bundle of joy in late January or early February (02/02 would be nice - that's also my Dad's birthday).  I guess we'll wait and see what the doctor thinks.

I asked Craig to take a picture of me (in front of the dogwood tree in the backyard) to document my crazy big smile and my happiness in knowing that I was carrying our little Baby LaTour.